Strange Enemies
by Jim Handy
Summary: X-men First Class. The team's been in some strange messes, but this just might take the cake.


All recognizable characters belong to Marvel Comics.

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They were huddled in their yellow Xavier issue raincoats. Grey skies above them seemed to merge seamlessly with the tops of the skyscrapers around them, lending the whole scene a surreal air. Police cars were blocking off the roads around the block, lights flashing but the sirens muted. Bobby was glad of that; if you were plotting a mad scheme to take down a mutant scientist bent using his vegetable garden to conquer the world, you should be able to do it in silence. Or something like that. Bobby wasn't all too sure on the etiquette of situations like this. He should probably ask the professor about it when they got back. Or maybe he should listen to Scott.

"We don't have a lot of intel, so this plan is going to have to be very flexible." Scott spoke in quick, clipped tones, his voice low even though the policemen were keeping a distance. "I break open the door and Marvel Girl shields to keep the two gunmen right inside from killing us. Then Iceman freezes the guns, and Beast takes them out, non – fatally if possible. We enter the building, and split into two teams. Marvel Girl and I will climb to the second floor through an unused elevator shaft. Iceman and Beast will remain on the first floor and neutralize any hostiles they encounter, while Marvel Girl and I take out Anderson and his - experiments. If at any time you encounter resistance you aren't prepared for, you retreat and call for back up. Angel, you'll be on the roof disabling Anderson's helicopter in case he tries to slip past us and escape. Any questions?"

'Are you out of your mind?' bubbled at the back of Bobby's mind, but he managed to keep his mouth shut for once. He'd gotten good practice in keeping his mouth shut whenSomething in Scott's face kept him from his usual jokes. Hank was nodding along seriously, his face giving away nothing. Warren actually looked sullen. Bobby knew his teammate had a tendency to hog the spotlight, but this was taking things just a little too far. The guy wouldn't be charging into an old building to take on mildly psychotic bio – terrorists; he could at least have the decency to look grateful. Bobby shook himself and refocused on Scott's words in time to hear "All right, get ready. Beast, you're in front with Marvel Girl, Iceman is behind with me. Angel, you head on up to the roof and start giving their helicopter a workover. Let's go, people!"

He said it with an authoritative bark that had Bobby falling into place before he could think about it. They shucked off their raincoats, and stood at attention. Even Warren, sullen look still on his face, took off and sailed silently into the grey dawn sky. Hank and Jean took up position in front of Scott and Bobby, and all four of them faced the worn door with grim determination.

Bobby leaned forward and whispered "So, Hank…"

"Beast!" Scott snapped under his breath. Bobby could hear Jean giggling.

"Right, Beast." Trying to ignore how badly their code names sucked, he continued "So do you think Scott is going to boil these veggies or eat them raw?"

Before anyone else could respond Scott leaned over and whispered "They're concussion blasts. Not lasers. Now eyes forward and no more fooling around!"

Bobby sighed and did as he was told. Jean was facing forward too, her face almost as serious as Scott's, but just before she and Hank start forward he heard her whisper in the back of his mind Don't take it personally. He always gets like this just before a mission.

Hank's powerful hands tore the door off at its hinges, and before the startled gunmen standing guard could do more than gape Jean had a telekinetic shield in place. Bobby reached out and focused on the cold metal of the guns, sucking away at their heat until they were completely encased in ice. While the guards fumbled at their suddenly useless guns, Jean dropped the shield and Hank bounded forward. Both guards were unconscious and handed over to the police within minutes, and the whole team moved into the building.

Once inside, they took a moment to pause and get acquainted with their new battleground. To Bobby it looked like the last place you'd expect to find a mad scientist. The building was obviously old, radiators standing open in the halls to either side and in front of them, but the wallpaper were fresh and the whole building looked like people had been living it recently. It had the whole new building smell. He was about to open his mouth to make some smartass quip about how your average super villain was having to budget these days, but Scott spoke before he could. "Remember the plan," he said, already walking briskly towards the elevator. Jean followed him, a determined look on her face, but she took the opportunity to look back at them and wink.

"Call for help, you two. I don't want to have to carry either of you out without a stretcher." One last mock severe look, and she was forcing open the doors and carrying her and Scott up to the top floor, where Cerebro indicated the mutant scientist with bizarre powers over vegetable matter lived.

Hank cracked his knuckles and gave Bobby a bright look. "Well, my arctic companion, shall we show these varied and sundry ruffians the hard and torturous wages of misconduct?"

"If that means 'Let's kick their butts' in plain English, then hell yes." Bobby cracked his knuckles and started the transformation into his ice form. It always gave him a little thrill, the feel of his flesh shifting into the hard gleaming ice. "Now, Scott said they were hiding in the – "

He never got a chance to complete the sentence. First they heard a dull roar, and then a dark red shape rolled into view from around the corner. The two X-men tensed, Hank flexing his superhumanly strong arms and Bobby ready to flash freeze whatever was coming towards them. Sweat broke out on his brow, only to freeze instantly. Finally, their opponent came into view.

Their jaws dropped simultaneously.

"I – you have got to be kidding me!" shouted Bobby. Hank just stared in mute disbelief, at once lost for words. For in front of them rolled a massive, fanged, bright red tomato. Its – mouth? Did it have an honest to God mouth? Or was that just a slash? – was open, and apparently filled with razor sharp fangs. It rolled blindly towards them, apparently eyeless but no less effective a guard for it.

"It would seem," Hank began after an interval of stunned silence, "that we are, indeed, inhabitants of so skewered a reality that we must indulge in fisticuffs with deranged produce. Iceman? If you would be so kind?"

"Yeah. Sure." Bobby raised his hands in a daze and froze the air between them and the tomato solid; it impacted and splattered with a solid thump. Damp red tomato guts dripped down the ice to hit the floor with sickening splats. Bobby and Hank were left staring at the ice wall, now stained a strangely sinister blood red shade. Almost as an afterthought, Bobby raised his hands and the whole wall collapsed in a shower of ice chips, which started melting on the stained linoleum floor.

From around the corner they could hear dull roars, roars of creatures that clearly weren't human. Bobby didn't care to speculate on what exactly they might be. What, were they going to be facing a killer avocado next? A sinister, deadly, oversized carrot?

As it turned out, their next opponent was neither of those things. It was a large celery stalk, complete with arms and legs and a mouth full of sharp teeth.

Hank sighed. "Well, once more into the breach, my old friend. Tell me, when this is over, would you care to join me in a joint oath to abstain from the eating of all vegetable matter and become carnivores until, oh say, forever?"

"Totally." Bobby grimaced in disgust as he reached out with his powers and froze the mutant celery stalk solid. Hank moved forward to shatter it into a thousand pieces, and they moved on down the hall, ready for pretty much anything. "After this, I'm not going near another tomato for the rest of my life."


End file.
